FINAL GODZILLA The Ultimate Showdown:
Godzilla vs Every Creature from Every Sci Fi movie ever
By Deon Poncini, Matthew Sander and Alexander Reichert
Act 1: Godzilla and Kangaroo Jack vs Alien and Rocky (from Rocky IV)
Scene 1: Interior, White House:
President of the US: Secretary of Defence, fetch me a bagel.
Secretary of Defence: No can do sir. I am afraid I have to relieve you of duty.
Secretary of Defence pulls out submachine gun and mows down everyone in the room, except the president, who remains standing.
At that moment the President is torn from the Oval office by Godzilla.
Dying Girl (to Secretary of Defence): I told you so!
Secretary of Defence: Told me what? We haven’t inserted what Matt has written yet.
Dying Girl: Oh Sorry…
Three Seconds earlier:
Young extremely pretty girl who has a genetic affinity with Godzilla: Mr President, Godzilla is about to attack!
Mr President to defence secretary: Why wasn't I informed?
Defence Secretary: We can't trust this stupid girl (hands president bagel).
Back in real time:
Secretary of Defence: That has ruined continuity! How can the president be relieved of duty and I hand him a bagel? If anyone would be doing the bagel handing, it would be me. Or as I am known in the past: Defence Secretary.
Godzilla (from outside window): If you want your president back alive, you will give me $1 million in unmarked bills. Otherwise he dies…
Secretary of Defence: But he’s no longer our president.
Godzilla: Oh ok then (eats former president).
Scene 2: Research Station, Bahamas
Meanwhile, on a secluded research station in the Bahamas:
Young girl with affinity to Godzilla: I'm glad that was only a stunt double of me sent to warn the president or I would be dead, like my stunt double!
Old Professor who gave the young girl the Godzilla affinity: Yes I concur.
Professor: The only thing we can do! Combine the genes of Calvin Klein, Kangaroo Jack and Mothra to create the greatest monster ever!
Girl: Which will achieve what exactly?
Professor: Don't you know anything?
Professor: Mows down girl with machine gun
Scene 3: Chile
Meanwhile in Chile:
Girl: I'm glad that was only my second stunt double.
Girl looks out window to see Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack monster battling the UTS tower.
Girl: I need a vacation!
Just then the UTS tower uses its drill bit to whack the Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack monster in its only weak spot: the pineal gland and it falls to the ground.
Some Random in the Street: Dying with that Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack monster dies the last hope of humanity of ever beating Godzilla.
A second Random (this time on the street, rather than in it): Yes. We could always launch missiles at Godzilla, in the vain hope they will bounce off him and do more destruction that he himself causes, and hence deprive him of things to destroy.
1 st Random: Why do we care? Godzilla is currently in Washington DC eating the former president, not here. The segue into this scene did say “meanwhile” you know.
2 nd Random: True, true, but is that meanwhile taking time zones into account?
Guy on Pogo Stick: I think I have created a plan so devious that it will destroy us all! But thankfully that ‘all’ encompasses Godzilla!
Woman, playing flute with her feet: Are you thinking what I am thinking? Allow Godzilla to join forces with Kangaroo Jack, and then get the Alien from Alien and Rocky from Rocky IV to battle them in a tag team match?
Guy on Pogo Stick: It is true! Great minds do think alike! However we need the Rocky from Rocky IV – Rocky from Rocky I, II, III or V would ruin everything.
Woman, playing flute with her feet: I know where to find him:
Scene 4: Rocky from Rocky IV’s hideout, somewhere beneath the Atlantic Ocean
Woman playing flute to Rocky from Rocky IV: ganfhndeewhfuiherr
Rocky: Take that flute out of your mouth
Woman no longer playing flute: Rocky, we need you to join forces with the Alien from Alien (I presume) and battle Godzilla and a Kangaroo Jack/Mothra/Calvin Klein super monster in a massive battle royale!
Rocky: What is in it for me?
Woman: Certain death at the hands of Godzilla who will inevitably win, plus the destruction of the known universe!
Rocky: What's the catch?
Woman (looking confused): Ummm everything I just said....
Rocky: Well since that sounds like the best reward for entering into a fight since the President of Turkey paid me two camels to box a bare chested Jerry Seinfeld for 73 years I'm in!
Woman to guy on pogo stick: You must travel to the Alien home planet and con the Alien from Alien into fighting with Rocky.
Pogo guy takes off in the Death Star which he pulled out of his pocket and travels to the Alien from Alien's home planet.
Scene 5: Alien homeworld:
Guy on Pogo Stick: Hey are you the Alien from Alien?
Alien clearly not from Alien: No you moron, I am clearly an Alien from Aliens – and I had a cameo in Alien Resurrection – well it made it into the DVD anyway – if you run it in letterbox format – on one of the deleted scenes – oh wait that was deleted from the DVD deleted scenes – maybe on the ultra collectors edition pack released next year… Anyway the Alien from Alien is just down the hall and turn right.
Guy on Pogo Stick: Why thankyou… now that you mention it, I can’t believe how stupid I was confusing you… sorry about that.
Alien clearly not from Alien: Oh and before you go – did you notice that your pogo stick morphed into a walrus?
Guy riding walrus: Oh it does that sometimes…
Guy riding walrus predictably rides walrus down the hall, and to the right even.
Guy riding walrus: Hey Alien from Alien?
Alien from Alien: Yes that is me what do you want? I don’t have all day you know… press conference soon…
Guy riding walrus: You want to fight along side Rocky against Godzilla and Kangaroo Jack?
Alien from Alien (sceptical): is that Rocky from Rocky III? (shakes fist – drips acid).
Guy riding walrus: No, from Rocky IV.
Alien from Alien: Oh that’s ok then. Me and him go way back, to ’72 back in the trenches of Nam…
Guy riding walrus: But there weren’t any trenches in Nam…
Alien from Alien (blushing, and dripping acid) Need to find way to change conversation…. Hey did you notice that your walrus turned into Kofi Annan?
Guy riding Kofi Annan: Yes it does that sometimes…
Scene 6: Moscow: Battleground for Round 1
Alien from Alien and Rocky from Rocky IV stand atop the Kremlin. They are dwarfed by Godzilla and the Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster.
Alien to Rocky IV: Uh oh.
Rocky IV: Don't worry I have a can of Expand-O-Glu.
Alien: Good because I have a glass elephant that needs to be repaired.
Rocky IV: No you idiot it makes us bigger.
Alien: But I want to fix my elephant!
Rocky rolls eyes before squirting Alien from Alien with the glue and then squirting him self.
Rocky IV and the Alien expand to a size roughly the same as Godzilla and the Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster
Godzilla: On guard!
The Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster: Why are we fighting?
Godzilla: The President told me to. Duh!
The Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster: I thought you ate the President?
Godzilla: I ate the President of the USA. The President of Paraguay told me to go on a wild rampage.
Alien from Alien: Are we fighting or what?
Godzilla launches a double barrelled eye roaring marshmallow toasted kung fu ninja curling master attack on Tokyo.
Rocky IV: Uh Godzilla, we're over here... In Moscow!
Godzilla: Sorry I'm just so used to destroying Tokyo I forgot where I was. Now I feel so ashamed.
Lenin: Excuse me you're standing on my tomb!
The Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster: Damn commie! (Crushes Lenin).
The Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster then lifts his foot/paw/Designer shoe and realises that Lenin has not been crushed. He turns to Godzilla: Oh no!
Alien from Alien: Now you've done it!
Rocky IV: Done what?
Alien from Alien: He's made Lenin mad!
A horrific shriek is heard as Lenin, red faced as ever, suddenly expands to the size of the other monsters (and Rocky IV). Lenin then proceeds to shoot fire from his eyes killing Rocky IV, Alien from Alien and The Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster.
He then turns his attention to Godzilla but at the moment a volcano erupts shooting Godzilla into orbit. Godzilla rounds the moon before coming back down to Earth right on top of the Reibuck Media Head Quarters.
Matt, Ben, Alex and Deon: Hooray.
Professor who created The Mothra/Calvin Klein/Kangaroo Jack super monster and who gave the pretty girl her affinity with Godzilla: Damn my monster has been destroyed and Godzilla is still alive.
Girl with flute to Professor: What shall we do now?
Professor: Get me John Wayne...