Final Godzilla
Act II: Godzilla vs the Death Star
Scene I: John Wayne's house....
Professor: John Wayne, we need to have words.
John Wayne: Yes, I have lived without language for so long. Thank you for finally creating a way of communication that does not involve dance, no matter interpretive and modern it may well be…
Professor: Now that we have established the need for words… we need to talk.
John Wayne: Before we do, since when has calling me on the phone been able to transport you from Moscow – I am assuming this, I didn’t know where you were but this sounded like being the most likely place – to my ranch in East New Brunswick?
Professor: Even since the great telephone revolution of 1812…
John Wayne: Oh yes. I remember it as if it were yesterday…
Professor: It was yesterday. As this scene had no timestamp on it, for all the viewers know this is 1812. Have a look out the window – see how many fisticuffs battles are going on?
John Wayne looks out the window, and sees upwards of 7 fisticuffs battles, and the odd mutton chop wearing man
John Wayne: That is proof enough for me. So why did you call me?
Professor: Did you notice a certain Godzilla being shot from a volcano a few minutes ago?
John Wayne: Yes, that volcano happened to be my sister and we were at her wedding at the time… The groom who was a glacier was most upset to see Godzilla shoot out – however I always maintained that those two weren’t made for each other, came from a different world if you get me.
Professor: Anyway, I think the time has come for us to take things up a notch or 400.
John Wayne: Are you insinuating what I think you are insinuating?
Professor: Only one way to find out! Fisticuffs to the death!
John Wayne and the Professor fisticuff it to the death. Such downward punches have not been seen in this land since the great fisticuff revival of 1693… After many months where the land knew nothing but war, pestilence, famine and men in knickerbockers John Wayne was vanquished – thus removing his anachronistic presence from this script.
John Wayne: (With his dying breath): Looks like you were insinuating what I thought you were insinuating: Constructing a third, all new and more powerful, fully operational even – even if the rebels don’t suspect it until they are in a trap set by the evil Emperor Palpatine, thankfully General Akbar has the presence of mind, on the advice of Lando Calrissian that it is indeed “it’s a trap, it’s a trap” and so Luke is watching from the thing that we are about to construct but he isn’t able to help – but instead fights Darth Vader – almost becoming him in the process – a Death Star even!! (Dies).
Professor: Well, it’s true what they say, his lungs were larger than most. Now off to the Imperial Construction Yards!
Scene 2: On route to the Imperial Construction Yards – flying some sort of genetically modified fish
Professor, atop the genetically modified fish: You three must be the Three Random Characters.
Random Character 1: Yes and you are not supposed to be in our cartoon!
Professor: But I need your fish.
Random Character 2: That's ok, we're about to jump off any way.
The Three Random Characters jump off and plummet into Sydney Harbour as a massive fire ball.
Professor to the genetically modified fish: Take me to the Imperial Construction Works!
Fish: You want to highjack the Death Star don't you?
Professor: Yes, why?
Fish: Well that's a bit silly when Flute Girl over there (Professor realises, for the first time, that the Girl Playing the Flute is also on the fish), knows pogo stick man.
Professor: And why is that important?
Fish: Because Pogo Stick man seems to be able to make Death Stars appear out of his pocket.
Professor to Flute Girl: Is this true?
Girl Playing Flute: gsawesjehglskdggre
Professor: Take the flute out of your mouth!
Girl no longer playing flute: Yes, yes it is.
Professor: Well I don't care! I'm going to the Imperial Construction works any way!
Girl no longer playing flute: Well I guess my part in this film is finished. (Jumps off the back of the fish, executes a perfect summersault before being tragically struck by a passing Mel Gibson)
Professor to fish: To the Imperial Works.
Pretty young Japanese school girl with unique ability to communicate with Godzilla: Hello
Professor: What are you doing here?
Girl: What aren't I doing here?
Fish: You aren't making this plot any less confusing that's for sure!
Professor: Didn’t I gun you down?
Girl: No that was my stunt double.
Fish: Didn't the Secretary of defence gun down your stunt double?
Girl: No that was my other stunt double.
At that moment the girl is gunned down by the Professor and the Secretary of Defence who is himself subsequently gunned down by Genghis Khan
Professor to Khan: What are you doing here?
Khan: Just getting rid of some un-needed characters.
Khan then jumps off but he too is tragically struck down by Mel Gibson who is returning to collect a hat he left at Mel Brooks' house
Professor to fish: To the Imperial Works.
Scene 3: At the Imperial Works
Girl: Damn that's a third of my stunt doubles gone. I'll get that damn professor yet...
Girl stands waiting for the Professor to arrive on the fish
Professor (arriving): So we meet again.
Girl: But we have never met before. You have only ever encountered my stunt doubles. Nevertheless they were dear to me and cost me six arms and six legs – however now that I am not part spider – being the only upside to their purchase – we must fight.
Professor: At last! An excuse to use my latest Nobel Prize winning device (winning Peace and Literature naturally), the pocket sized expandable Pit of Doom!
The Professor rips out his pit of doom and it expands to usual Pit of Doom dimensions (measured in rods and cubits of course (400 of each)) and the battle is fully joined. One second away from destroying each other, the man riding Kofi Annan (who is turned back into a pogo stick) bounces into the pit.
Guy who used to be riding Kofi Annan but now is riding a Pogo Stick again: You guys wouldn’t happen to be after a certain star would you?
Professor: (releases hold around Girl’s pineal gland) A star of death?
Cue dramatic music
Guy riding Pogo Stick: The Same!
Cue even more dramatic music building to some sort of crescendo type of thing
Professor: Yes! Rumour has it that you can produce them from you pocket – I assume the pocket that says “Death Star Factory” would be the one…?
Guy riding Pogo Stick: One would assume, but this is an Asian knock off of a real jacket. See the pocket that says “No mooses allowed past this point on pain of cheese” – that’s not it either.
Professor: I see…
Guy riding Pogo Stick: No you don’t. You don’t have any eyes.
For the first time in his life the Professor realises that he has no eyes, or even a pineal gland for that matter. He runs away screaming, never to be seen again.
Girl: So it’s just you and me eh? I don’t even really want to kill Godzilla, considering we have a genetic affiliation.
Guy riding Pogo Stick: Marry me.
Girl: Ok, but don’t blame me if our children are half lizard monster…
Plot line to be continued in “Son of Godzilla Girl and Pogo Stick Man”.
Death Star: So…. Now that everyone else has gone… suppose I should go and fight Godzilla.
Scene 4: Death Star Arrives at Earth
Mr Squiggle arrives in his cardboard spaceship to go over rehearsals of his latest masterwork, when he discovers blackboard missing.
Mr Squiggle to Scrooge McDuck: You’re no Blackboard
McDuck: I’m not?
Scrooge McDuck screams, then jumps off in a pit of money and swims away to the Bahamas, to find the Professor crying in the corner. Despite the premise that he’d never be seen again, and lack of eyes.
Mr Squiggle: Well, That was odd.
Enter the Mouth from that Mulligrubs Show
Mouth: I am here to scar your childhood!
The Mouth burps out Death Star into Earth’s orbit. Godzilla comes out from hiding inside Mr Squiggle’s ship.
Godzilla: So the rumours are true!
Death Star: What rumours?
Godzilla shrugs
Godzilla: Wanna fight?
Death Star: I’d rather the more righteous opponent of Gamera, Guardian of the Universe, but hey I can settle for you.
Death Star shoots the big laser mcdooby and blows up Earth. Godzilla is left to simply float through space
Godzilla: We’ll, that’s gonna play hell for the writers of the next scene
Godzilla blows fire at the Death Star, destroying it nicely. He then puzzles over this occurrence for some time, since there is no oxygen in space. Gamera is seen spinning on its shell through space, where the distant shouts of “hurry up,” can be heard from Blackboard who is riding it.
Scene 5: Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Godzilla spies the last remnant of earth – the only thing not to be destroyed. It is a Tiffany’s jewellery store and Audrey Hepburn (as Holly Golightly of course) standing about in a black dress…
Godzilla: Look at the time, its 9am, and I haven’t eaten breakfast except for half of Tokyo Tower. Supposedly they make good diamond Studded earrings.
Godzilla saunters in, and is given sideways glances by the upper class clientele.
Dapper English Gentleman in Bowler Hat (to his wife): (Sotto Voce) Don’t look now dear, but it’s more of that euro trash…
Audrey Hepburn: I am not entirely sure what to say, considering the author of this script hasn’t seen the film, and wouldn’t be in this predicament if a new screenwriter hadn’t come on board at the last minute!
Godzilla: I know how to fix this… All I need to do is fly around the debris of the world counter to its rotation, and naturally time will go backwards…
Godzilla leaves Tiffany’s after a small breakfast of pancakes, with maple syrup, butter and the odd national landmark on them and flies retrograde around the world. It reforms into earth, and much cheering is heard.
Godzilla: I feel it’s not over yet however, I think I will need to consult Thomas Alva Edison about this one…