The MON Blogs

Earlier this morning, Colonel posted a sample chapter of our as-yet-unwritten Middle of Nowhere Self-Help Book. Completely independently, I had decided to post the first part of a new online serial entitled The Adventures of P.K. Shaw

Being a Middle of Nowhere Production, it is severly bizzare and is no-doubt going to induce fear and nausea in its readers.

So without further ado we proudly present Part One of The Adventures of P.K. Shaw!

The Fantastic Adventures of P.K. Shaw – Part 1: The Beginning

Another Radio Serial: In Infinite Parts

Prologue

Narrator: One fine day, birds were singing and there were no clouds in the perfectly blue sky. But, something was missing. And although some of the finest minds in the world had pondered this issue for years they were no closer to discovering what it was.

FX: Thunder and wind

Narrator: Suddenly and unexpectedly a large storm formed from nowhere. Fearsome and ominous it loomed large over the peaceful land.

FX: More thunder and wind, louder and with rain.

Narrator: During the midst of this storm, the local townsfolk cowered in their houses. Except for one couple who were driving frantically towards the local hospital. The story was the same. A baby chose to be born at the worst possible time.

FX: Crying then thunder and silence.

Woman: No!!! My baby!

Man: Noooo!

Narrator: A seemingly tragic event had taken place. A huge bolt of lightning had descended from the heavens, through the open car window and struck the new-born baby. Who proceeded to utter the timeless words:

Baby: Being your age is hard enough without having to act it.

Narrator: This bolt of lightning had been thrown from the heavens by the gods, transforming this baby into the previously fictional P.K. Shaw, the invention of every good calendar editor in history. And from this moment forth, young P.K. would provide a quote for every occasion.

Title song or three.

P.K. Shaw! It’s P.K Shaw! He’s our favourite fictional know-it-all. He writes all day and quotes all night! He’s the omnipresent, fictional know-it-all!!!

P.K: Wait! I exist now!

He’s the omnipresent, non-fictional know-it-all!!!

P.K: That’s better.

Chapter I: The Young PK Years

Narrator: Of course, being a baby with the ability to speak world changing quotes, he quickly became a novelty at circus side-shows.

Country American lady: Oh! Look at that baby! Isn’t he adorable!

PK: When you stir up the water you can see the mud.

Yokel soundin’ guy: Hyuck! Dadgum! The lil’ fellas’ right. That’s why my turnips won’t grow!

Narrator: Over time, young P.K. Shaw became discontented with his role within the circus side-show. He wanted to move on to bigger and better things.

PK: When you stay in a job too long, you find faults which weren’t there before.

Woman: What does that mean?

PK: It means you are a stupid fat idiot who has been working at the post office since you were 12 and you have never done anything but lick stamps!

Woman: Wow! You’re right. Tomorrow I’m going to mop the floor I think!

PK: That’s right… Go mop your floors. Before you know it I’ll take over the wor…

FX: Dummy plonk sound. E.g. Simpsons style with Maggie.

Mother: Now PK, suck on your dummy for a while and stop insulting those poor people.

Narrator: It was exactly this type of treatment that young PK came to resent and it would affect him for the rest of his life.

Narrator: Despite the fact that he was but 1 year old, young P.K. Shaw had already contributed to several day-to-a-page calendars. But this was not enough for him, but due to the limited mobility and strength which his young body afforded him he decided to wait and bide his time…

Narrator: One of his quotes…

PK: To hate your parents is to hate yourself…

Narrator: Would give an insight to his suffering as an infant. Later in his life, revised that quote:

PK (old man): To hate your parents is to hate yourself. This is why I despised them! And thus didn’t hate myself!