Merry Christmas from all of us in the cave!


So, another year has gone by and Christmas is upon us. And it is with great pleasure that I report to you a very special Christmas message from all of us who live in the Middle of Nowhere Cave.

Christmas, as you know, is the time in which everyone gets together to celebrate the joy of receiving. This ritual is usually preceded by the joy of a visit from the beloved Duke of Habernackle. It is the Duke’s job, as an official representative of the Earl of Sandwich, to deliver every house hold in East New Brunswick a very special Christmas sandwich, which I believe is some sort of small horse.

The origins of this ritual of course date back to the Battle of Hastings, in which Sir Morris of Sweeny was heard to exclaim, “I cannot pronounce the world cuttlefish”, an affliction which caused him no amount of distress.

Word of his pain was said to have moved Florence Nightingale (who was yet to be born) so much that she travelled back in time and single handedly won the battle of Marathon for the Greeks by running 14 kilometres (9284 pine nuts in the old scale) and delivering Alexander of Macedon (who was yet to be born) a almond tree made of stone.

This led to the tradition of leaving milk and cookies out for some guy named Santa, although just how one led to another is a story that is long and confusing.

Of course, Christmas is not only about the battle of Marathon, and why Alex (Snaykeemcgee) doesn’t like me hanging my pantaloons over the TV to dry. No, Christmas is about ham and turkey.

Us here at Middle of Nowhere are rather fond of turkey, but have had nothing but bad experiences with ham, dating back to when Drew (Devslashtux) realised that ham came from pigs (for years he’d thought it grew inside pea pods) and he proceeded to rage about this for hours until Deon (Dex) had had enough and he sold Drew to a passing Arthur Miller Experience bus tour for four pounds and a shilling.

Drew returned some years later having discovered the meaning of Australia Day, but he never got around to telling us what it was.

It’s been a big year for the Middle of Nowhere team. The launch of our brand new shiny website has seen us reach the heights of International Stardom, not known since I covered my self in coconut and sung “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” to the Prime Minister of Palau.

But even though we have such busy schedules thanks to our new found fame (we’d lost our fame for four weeks after a miss-hap at the dry-cleaner) we always take the time to stop and celebrate the magic of Christmas.

Or at least we would, if Deon (Dex) hadn’t decided to steal Flag Day, thus ensuring that our Christmas is spent washing windows with tulips, for reasons which I’ve long since forgotten.

So have a Merry Christmas, and remember that if you ever try to be yourself, make sure you’re not a time travelling donkey. Because people will tend to stop and stare.